“This isn’t what it looks like,” I blurted out as I opened the car trunk. My husband peered over his glasses and asked, “Oh? And what do you think it looks like?” I said, “Uh, maybe my mom left her shopping bags in my trunk.” Knowing that my 75 year-old mother does not wear 3” heels, he folded his arms and waited for the truth. It was raining, the bags were heavy and I was tired. Left with few options, I admitted, “Dillard’s had a shoes sale and I hit the jackpot. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!” In my defense, he knew when he married me that I have an infatuation with designer Antonio Milani. The strappy, leopard print, size eight treasures I snagged at 65% off that day were pure art! Sadly, I continue to learn the same life lesson over and over again: Making excuses is a bad way to ask for help.
Sometimes it is easier to make an excuse, no matter how outlandish, rather than tell the truth. Do you have a friend, family member or coworker that has become a pro at making excuses for their unusual behavior? I’m not talking about those misguided people who eat mayo on steamed broccoli (love my friend J, but that is disgusting). I am talking someone that is behaving noticeably different in a way that troubles you or causes you to worry for their physical or mental health. Out of care, you might have even asked, “Are you ok? Is everything alright?” just to receive answers like, “Work is really busy right now”, “Mid-term studying is tough” or “I’m just tired and need to get some sleep.” Not lies, but excuses that caused you to suspect you were not hearing the full truth. Did you let the subject drop thinking whatever was really wrong must not be any of your business? Did you get a nagging feeling there must be something more you could do?
Living in chronic stress can take the joy, and literal breath, out of a woman’s life. The Center for Disease Control reported in 2019 there were 301,280 US women who died from heart disease. Guess what the number one preventative of heart disease is as suggested by the CDC? Manage stress levels. Regardless of effort,, at some point we need someone we trust to help us through the stress. I like the way the bible reminds us in Ecclesiastes chapter four to seek out help.
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Falling down under the weight of stress is natural; reaching up for help is not. Chronic stress can come from a number of sources such as work, school, family, finances and, yes, an abusive relationship. The pun “denial ain’t just a river in Egypt” dates back to 1831, but domestic violence victims were hiding bruises, living with emotional trauma and making excuses for stress caused by abusers long before then. Fortunately, today there is help for both the abused and the abuser. But what if they are not ready to ask for help? It seems like a small thing to do, but staying close to them, making regular contact and being a positive force in their life can make the difference between life and death for them. Also, be ready with local resource information or willing to be their Uber to wherever they need to go for care. Day or night, 24/7.
Tired of hearing excuses, my mom asked me straight out, “Why don’t you like to be at home?” It would be three more years before I could give her a straight answer and she was there every step of the way. I told you I am a slow learner.