My best friend of 25 years makes the best fruit pies I have ever eaten. For years, she would say, “I don’t cook”. Well, she might not cook, but WOW can that woman bake! Three years ago she started baking fruit pies and they literally melt in my mouth. She makes her own crust and uses fresh ingredients such as berries, peaches and cherries. So good with just a dollop of vanilla ice cream.
Hands down, the apple pie is my favorite. She uses more than one variety of apple and slices them super thin. But, most importantly, she doesn’t allow an apple that is overripe or rotten to stay in her fruit bowl so the others will stay healthy. Never heard of this, you say? Ah, time for a science lesson.
As it turns out, there is a scientific truth behind the phrase “one bad apple ruins the bunch”. You see, when a rotten piece of fruit is exposed to healthy ones it will cause the other fruit to ripen faster and eventually rot. This is because as apples ripen they give off a hormone in a gaseous form called ethylene and it is a catalyst for ripening fruit.
Basically, if you leave the rotten one in with the others, it eventually renders them all useless. In human resources, we learned this premise a long time ago as it relates to employee behavior- but that’s a topic for another day. Today, the most dangerous are the rotten apples at home or in personal relationships. They can do more than ruin your dessert. They can ruin your life.
Watch for Signs
Just as you can smell or see spoiled marks that spread to apples in a bowl, there are often signs control, abuse or isolation is taking place in a relationship. There may not be an obvious odor, but to the savvy observer something just won’t “smell right”. You might notice behavior changes such as a person being irritable or being required to ask their partner before making even the simplest decisions. Or, perhaps the person you care about suddenly insists on wearing long sleeves in warm weather with a weak excuse or they wince when touched. None of these are good signs.
Isolation can manifest so subtly your friend/family member/coworker may not realize it is happening. Signs of this include denying time with family, friends or limiting a partner’s screen time for fear of who they might be texting. Some partners will even time their victim’s trips to work or insist on talking by phone during their commute to keep their attention focused solely on them. The abuser’s insecurity becomes the motivation for control.
The abuser will disguise their control and impose guilt by saying things such as, “I love you and I just want to spend time with you” or “I am your family now and you don’t need anyone else.” They may even resort to falsely accusing a family, friends or an employer of sabotaging their relationship to propagate an “us versus them” mentality. Separate someone from their support system and they are easier to manipulate.
Regardless of the root cause of the abuser’s behavior (insecurity, spiritual immaturity, chemical imbalance, etc.) the result is the same: A relationship where an abuser exercises control over a victim. In contrast to the ideal partnership built on trust and mutual respect, this is a dysfunctional situation that leads to destruction. Like the fruit bowl, the home is infiltrated with unrest as the control spreads. This is not how we were meant to live. We were made for more.
Counseling, spiritual guidance and medical help is readily accessible so that no one should live in fear. If you are living with an abuser, please consider contacting a resource in your area for help. If you are of the Christian faith, remember Psalm 34:8 tells urges, “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts Him.” The ESV translation reads, “blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him”. Your heavenly father will guide you to resources and professionals to help you restore peace. Life is short; pursue peace and see just how sweet it can be.