Voices in My Head
It was the perfect fall season top. The burnout pattern with patches of black velvet were trendy, yet office professional enough for me to wear to work. The background was a shade of blue that exactly matched my eyes. I just knew the Johnny Was top had been created just for me. As I clicked the tab to see the price, I heard a little voice whisper, “You can’t afford it so why tempt yourself?” I countered, “Oh, but what if it is on sale?” I clicked (insert suspenseful music) and as suspected, it was way out of my self-imposed spending allowance. Nope, not on sale. I let out a little whine, took a sip of my lemon water and navigated to the clearance tab leaving behind “blue velvet crush”.
My blouse conversation might be viewed as self-talk or an internal monologue; a chat with my conscience, so to speak. For me, the inner voice often sounds like the voice of friends, family and others I respect. They are people I carry in my heart. People who want love, health and happiness for me. When I can’t tie my intuitive thought to a specific person or memory, my Christian belief in the Holy Spirit only deepens.
My mom’s voice rings in my ears when I make chicken and dressing, “Go easy on the sage or it won’t be fit to eat.” When I am tempted to start watching a Christmas Lifetime movie at 9:15pm, I hear my husband predict, “You will be asleep in 15 minutes and never see the end of it.” Oh, sure I will. It will repeat a dozen times between now and Christmas. Do I listen and heed warnings such as these? Actually, most of the time I do, but when I don’t, there are consequences to face.
Facing the Consequences
I ignored and minimized warnings (my own inner voice and audibly voiced by people) that my ex-husband might physically harm me. For months, I countered with, “The divorce was amicable, he would never hurt me” and “He has moved out of state, has another woman in life and doesn’t even think about me”. I misread any hint of danger instinct that crept into my mind as an overreaction or paranoia. Finally, after he burglarized my home and I learned he had been gaining access to my home every day while I was at work, I listened and took action.
In March 2017, I sought a protective order, which he violated by kidnapping and planning to murder me in April 2017. If I had acted months or weeks sooner, when I first heard the warnings from people in my life, would it have changed the outcome? I will never know. What I am sure of is this: the words and writings of friends, family, safety experts, pastors and counselors were are recalled to my mind when I needed them most for survival. It was supernatural. It was life-saving. It was, as two detectives and two US prosecutors put it-divine intervention. Yes, I held to Psalm 91 and I found peace that night that I can never describe.
Total Recall
During the 28 hour assault and kidnapping, I miraculously remembered words of random people in my life that led me to stay calm, how to talk myself out of a state of panic, how to de-escalate his anger, where to look for ways to escape, how to get noticed in public and what to do in order to leave a trail for the police to follow. Those voices became my partners in survival.
Is your inner voice is cautioning you about a relationship or urging you to take steps to protect yourself,? If so, please don’t disregard it. You know yourself better than anyone, so trust your instincts. Is the noise of uncertainty or fear is drowning out your inner voice? Listen to family, friends or a counseling professional you trust to advise you about potential domestic violence. There are trained professionals who want love, health and happiness for you and they are trained to help you achieve things in a safe way. They will be your voice when you need it most.